Parent-School Relationships: Presume Baggage… and Carry On! – Part 2
In Part 1 of this series, we discussed that in conversations with parents, educators should presume that parents bring baggage from negative experiences prior to ever meeting their child’s current teachers, which can lead to instinctive distrust. We also covered the way parents carry on developed expertise about their children that should be listened to with curiosity, regardless of whether they are willing to acknowledge their child’s diagnoses.
Here in Part 2, we will explore some well-intentioned words and phrases that miss the mark when it comes to presuming baggage and presuming carry on.
Phrases Parents Do Not Like to Hear
“I’ve worked with children like yours before.”
This does not acknowledge that their child is unique, and it signals a lack of curiosity about what the parents want to share.
“Trust us.”
Parent trust is earned through relationship building, listening to the family, educational follow-through, and results. “Trust us” is a conversational shutdown that, honestly, almost always loses trust points.
“Don’t worry.”
This is the same as “trust us.” It’s a parent’s job to worry about the success of their child. “Don’t worry” can read as a red flag: a signal that they should, in fact, worry. (Again, presume baggage.)
“We have it under control.”
See “trust us” and “don’t worry.”
“You can always send us an email.”
This is not an engaging or welcoming way to be open to additional concerns and communication. It sounds depersonalized. Creating a scheduled conversation calendar, perhaps a digital communication journal that’s weekly or monthly, shows a desire for ongoing communication. “You can always send us an email” lands as: we don’t want to talk more, and we don’t have time for further conversation, so vent your issues in emails we can reply to in a sentence or two (because #WeAreBusy).
“We know.”
Parents want teachers to be curious about what they, the parents, know. “We know” closes that door.
“I don’t know about that.”
Even if the parents are mentioning something that teachers think is internet garbage, the right response is curiosity, like: “Could you tell me more about that, and provide me some links so I can learn more?” Saying “I don’t know about that” without an associated question suggests the teacher neither knows nor cares about the information. Since the parent only mentioned it because they think it’s important, the implication that the teacher doesn’t care about the information will not land well. Relationship opportunities should not be missed; be curious.
“They’re doing well enough at school.”
This is often said when parents ask what they can do to support their child’s learning at home, including during school holidays. Parents are concerned with giving their child the best chance at success. If they are looking to do more, provide some options and context.
“They are well-behaved”/ “There’s no problem with them”/ “They seem fine in my classroom.”
Variations of these phrases will upset parents who are concerned about their child’s social-emotional and/or academic development. These types of phrases are most frequently heard by parents of children with social anxiety, by “quiet” students' parents, and by parents of girls with ADHD. These phrases do not land well. I know families who left schools due to these phrases. When families ask for attention to their child's developmental issues – social-emotional or academic – they want curiosity, acknowledgement, and an effort to meet their requests at least halfway.
“Just enjoy them.”
The intent may be that the child needs downtime and learning breaks to thrive. But, “just enjoy them” can be misinterpreted as “the child’s ceiling for growth isn’t going to go much higher, so stop trying and appreciate what you have.”
“They don’t do that at school.”
This is not adequately curious about learning a more complete view of the child. Be mindful that children behave differently in different contexts and ask for elaboration. This is an opportunity to have a more complete picture of the child, support their growth at home in ways that will aid their growth at school, and build a relationship with the family.
By the same token, believe parents when they say, “They don’t do that at home.”
Assume that’s true and take it as an invitation to describe more clearly what the child is doing at school, so the parents understand the context well enough to converse with their child about it. If the behavior is problematic, offering to notify parents if and when it recurs can be a meaningful gesture of partnership.
One last note: please do not use jargon and abbreviations without establishing that parents understand their meanings. Yes, most parents will nod and say they understand most abbreviations and educational jargon used (e.g., reading levels, American and British curriculum jargon, MAP testing scores, ed psych evaluation test names, behavior tracking systems, etc.). Parents want to appear knowledgeable, engaged, and aware of all relevant information about their child, so admitting they don’t understand what teachers are saying while in a meeting about their child’s future does not always feel like the best use of what they sense is limited time.
None of these phrases are said with bad intentions. But good intentions don't automatically build trust, and trust is exactly what these situations require. In Part 3, we'll look at why that trust is so hard to build when neither educators nor parents have ever been taught how to have these conversations in the first place.
